I had a very different email planned for this week, and then life happened. So I changed my plan. (I wish it was always that easy!)
My husband, Gary, has been planning for months to go on a motorcycle trip with my son-in-law and his friend. They planned to go South to Monticello and then enjoy back country dirt roads on their way home. I am not sure exactly where or what was the trigger for me, but BAM!!!
I am back to April of ’98; my first husband planning for months to go on a mountain biking trip to Moab with five of his firefighter friends. And… he never came home. This week, I experienced the TRAUMA all over again. Logically, I know it is ridiculous. But in my body and mind, it was so real and painful. I am not telling you this for sympathy, please keep reading.
I am not who I was in 1998. I have had the opportunity to do a lot of healing, learn several different healing techniques, and attend personal growth classes; all of which have been so beneficial.
I am in a mentoring group right now and I shared my returned trauma with them. It is so valuable to have friends that love you, and you can trust with the deepest feelings you have. I received some amazing guidance and support from them. The most important feedback was that I needed to feel this trauma. (Why the *$#% would I want to feel it?) As my personal mentor, Laurel Huston taught me, you have to “feel it to heal it”. So I did. I allowed myself to have a gut retching cry. (Do you know the kind I am talking about?) But here is the good part, it didn’t last for days and days, just one good…long…hot shower. The wave of grief came in, hit me hard, and I was left standing on the beach, not pulled out to sea with it. I have also been doing A LOT of talking with my Heavenly Father, emotion code, EFT tapping, and positive self talk. This time, I don’t have two small children that need me. This time, I could allow myself to focus and, hopefully, finally feel and heal the grief that I have so deeply locked away. Well, I don’t know if you ever actually heal the grief all the way, but being left standing on the shore instead of being dragged out to sea to drown in it is such a huge difference.
This is what I have learned this week from my experience:
1– Trauma can come back to bite you when you least expect it. There are ways to heal from it. Yes it hurts, but if you lived through it once, your brain knows you will live through it again; “feel it to heal it”.
2– Get the help you need to heal it. There are so many options available today. Find one or more that will help you. I have several that I use to help me.
3– Find a friend who you love and trust and will be there for you in your darkest time.
4– Get your feelings out! Talking… praying… writing…get them out of your head.
5– Go back to the time of your trauma and love the YOU you were at that age. You are proof that you made it through and that you know how to love and support her through it.
After all that, do I feel 100% perfect? No, but I feel so much better and I can function and I have healed that much more! That is the best part.
We all have trauma, but there is hope!
Have a beautiful week. Be a friend AND find that one who will be there for YOU.
Love – Janalee