Listening to Understand not Listening to Respond

I was reading an article about “listening to understand not listening to respond”, and was reminded about a family conversation with one of my daughters a few months back. The conversation started like this:

“I need to share something that happened today but this will purely be information only!! I don’t want fixes, advice, suggestions, pity, or otherwise. If you want to ask clarifying questions as to the event itself, great, but l am still trying to process the event myself, so please honor the above requests.”  She proceeded to share how she had an encounter with a pitbull that clamped onto her thigh as she was exiting the convenience store that day and then shared the timeline of events that followed.

How often I am so eager to try and fix things, give advice and suggestions, missing the point altogether. Listening to understand, rather than to respond, is easier said than done! If we listen with the intent to understand it can allow the speaker space to be heard.

The article gives four suggestions or tips for better listening skills that in turn will improve communication all the way around.

• Embrace the Silence – For most of us, the silence is uncomfortable maybe even tense. We feel like we have to fill in the silence when in reality, we are allowing the person sharing to continue his or her thoughts uninterrupted and be in charge of the conversation. The silence can also show our empathy that we respect the speaker enough to be confident in his or her own thoughts.
• Be Actively Present – Try to be fully attentive when engaging in conversation. In a world where multi-tasking is the norm, there is a sinking feeling for us when someone you are talking to is busy typing or glancing at their watch. Maintaining eye contact lets the person speaking know their conversation is important. Simply nodding your head helps keep the person speaking in charge of the conversation.
• Ask More Questions – Most times the person speaking just needs an honest listener with no agenda but to listen. Asking more clarifying questions rather than affirming or suggestions is a great way to allow the speaker to share. For example, “Can you help me understand what is affecting your mood?” or “What was that like for you?” or even “Tell me more”. You can also use questions to prioritize the needs of the person speaking “What do you need right now?”
• It Is Not About You – Try to remember to listen from a selfless viewpoint – allow the speaker to be in the driver’s seat and you are the passenger. Being a passenger does not mean to disengage, but rather, be present,  ask questions, give attention, and lend silence, if needed.

I hope we can all try to be better listeners, and in turn, better communicators to those people who mean so much to each of us.

Sending lots of joy and blessings for a wonderful summer season.